suddenly seymour

the downtown

jack and his friends organized themselves into a actually pretty great group show at RENTAL that i let him take me on a tour of yesterday was it? beats me

if i told you this was the youth, the next set of things for downtown, would you gasp?

i wouldn’t tell you that because i don’t think like that or think that but people do like to know
the next thing for downtown
don’t they

i really liked this piece

why why why does downtown mean so much to me
i’m going to pass up a lot for it soon

and will it love me back?
you know that DOWNTOWN PROJECTS is still in the running so to speak
wait lets see if we cant see aurel’s poon in here somewhere

eh oh well

i really liked that one of the artist’s brothers who is not an artist did this to the gallery bathroom

and then a collector commissioned him to do it again for her down in florida because she loved the “piece”

i love when distinctions are absurd because they are and downtown i mean what is so romantic to me about that distinction?

there’s no rules for us
‘cuz its dangerous

where the rainbow’s just a no sho-o-ow!

you know those are lyrics from Little Shop of Horrors, right?

i didn’t really know i knew them all, essentially the entire score, until suzanne took me and rosson on a tour of cool old hideaways in the city and we ended up singing show tunes at this west village bar

ever seen a potato with caviar?
the names are a bit of a blur but we three had quite a glamourous night bumping around in our furs from this Wakumba Lounge place to a theater bar to a Monkey Bar to this place:

this place this place!

it was such a serious scene, like nothing i have seen before in eight years here

this repugnant photo rosson sent me of me is from some different and ugly night but i like it in the context of this song, excerpted, which i may or may not have sang with all the old musical gays at that piano bar last night:

Where the folks are broke.
Where your life’s a joke.
When you buy your token,
you go….

Where the cabs don’t stop
Where the food is slop
Where the hop-heads flop
in the snow….

..Where the guys are drips.
Where they rip your slips.
Where relationships are no go…..

That’s your home address.
Ya live
When your life’s a mess.
Ya live
Where depression’s just
Status Quo….

Where the sun don’t shine
Past the bottom line
Go ask any wino, he’ll know…..

dignity and restraint

i woke up on the still drunk side and texted rosson that at like 8am

i feel like it should be my new motto
i am trying to grind it into my skull with this post
i will use dignity and restraint when commenting on patrick’s blog
i will use dignity and restraint when talking about dicks all the time on my blog
jim drain is a very dignified knitter
suzanne and i walked over to check out his flaming hot installation of sweaters at Opening Ceremony i mean his dignified installation of fine sweaters
jim drain in a sensible font
life using sensible fonts
suzanne wanted to buy this one but it was a one of a kind one
they told me i couldnt take pictures in there
hello douches if you wanna do art installations and art crossover projects with your clothing store you need to let people take pictures.
ooops there goes my restraint again
a very logical next step in the tour was to go to the gelitin opening
jim and gelitin both show at greene naf and both like being silly and playful and are all very tall and many other things
the gelitin opening was the perfect place to wear your new jim drain sweater from opening ceremony
the opening consisted of them doing blind sculpture with some assister people in this sporty art arena
amy sillman and reiko
cecily brown
gelitin is hard to keep straight
this guy is definitely memorable
i was going to use these photos as a chance to tell stories about dignity and restraint but im too hungover to be honest
jeffrey said at the dinner the night before that i skipped that the gelitin were shoving chocolates up their butt and pooting them on people so they are not exactly role models in my new favourite area anyway
i know its not a funny joke but maybe i should reactivate my drug problem so i can have more dignity and restraint. it sounds counterintuitive but trust me
im such a tool
rosson has dignity and restraint and says no to drugs
how does she do it folks??

slow news day

this post is as dull as my weekend was

i have a lot on my mind and not a lot of parties on the ical

spilling seed fruitlessly on the ground
pomme on the granite

i went to the Frick with Ollie

rosson made a mango hat

i made a really fancy dinner for us actually
i kind of pretended for a while i wasnt a good cook so others would cook for me
but it was a lie. i am

my belly button is the last remaining Kembra red part of me
it looks so weird in there

blah blah sunny and 60 in the park yesterday for about one hour window

i finished this painting

i love/hate it
it took my weekend and gave me poop in return

well i guess there should be one dick in here somewhere

kathy is now in the market for a space and stops to read signs like this
oh shit!
dick #2

this is me at lunch meeting with jules and jeffrey
looks like we are on a boat
a boat going where i wonder????

punch him in the dick

there is a song called that

spencer sweeney introduced it into our consciousness last night at kembra’s show
but we are getting ahead of ourselves
rafael like what was it now a month ago? when i said how excited someone was about something said “did his lipstick come out?” and THAT sick little number now pops into my head all the time
this is rosson’s lipstick coming out in her new New Museum painting
the “shep” fairey on bedford had EAT A DICK written across it huge and this nice little addition in the margins
i love the idea that the public will rally to diss street art. i love that the public will revolt about how bad and corny street art is and destroy it
take to the streets and deface bad street art
punch them in the dick
i apologize that this post is going to be really raunchy and already is mostly about dicks
the only wholesome thing i did recently was play the new Mario with Ben and Christina.
it is fucking unbelievably funny. the multi player action. you can pick eachother up and push eachother off cliffs and when you have yoshi you can even eat the other player
i guess this is “wholesome” i went to a little opening on clinton and e bway called something weird like merkin mcfuddles or something horrible but there were a couple cool paintings. this one was the best
space was more than humourously raw
punch him in the dick
punch him in his waist face
i got so much Fresh Direct that i have to stay home all weekend and eat my way free i think
maybe i will have a dinner party
if i do you will be the first to know!
this is rafael and i at Gemma and two chicks on their buttberrys one of whom i know her name is shit what is her name? that is why i didn’t say hi
rafael is one of the first people i told my deitch plan to so i could start drumming up support. if i can drum up enough support from my network, then we can do something really magical june 1, its real!!!!
i accidentally walked by while patrick was on a scissor lift painting a mural one Ave A and was so jarred that i had to go to the park and stare at the sky for an hour
i was rewarded with this though!
i dont know if you guys know THE FUGS but there was a benefit last night for one of the dudes and we got to play Slum Goddess the best song. here is a link to it oh shit!
lets see if photobucket can tell what these are
oh no again!!!
this outfit kills me
kembra never seems to tell me she is going full nudity until it is too late for me to back out
i know she knows she does this to me!!!!
look how pretty the flowers are though
we got there and philip glass was playing something
we decided if we forgot the words we would just sing “bijoux’s tits, bijoux’s tits”
kembra trying to pee
the show went great!
not pictured
wig removal
you have to picture spencer playing “punch him in the dick” on his phone to us over and over to really get the full picture
JR and Spencer and i went out like this
we terrorized max fish, santos, it was hilarious
oh and don’t i have a glowing hangover to prove it!
here are the lyrics
i just cant believe it!!!!!
..Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
Fuckers talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Motherfuckers talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick

Yo look at that chump
See the way that he struts
Don’t kick him in the rump
Go nuts on his nuts
Just pop a squat
Start lettin’ off the shots
Like knock knock knock
Just coldcocked his cock
Yo, to all the cock-knockers
Keep on boxing your baby makers
With a sock to the jock
Better make that a double
Just a couple of rounds of knuckles
Beneath the buckle and he’ll buckle
If you’re in trouble
Give him some urine trouble
Hand him his balls
And tell him better learn to juggle
Turn his pebbles into rubble
Make him wonder what might’ve been
Make it so the South will never rise again

Now every man claims to be the toughest and the meanest
Watch your crocks, because soon the losers will be your weenus
And the winners in all the gladiator arenas
Are always the ones that go straight for the penis

So punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
motherfucker talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
motherfucker talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick

Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
motherfucker talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
I’ma punch ‘em in the dick

I’ll give your willy a welt
Like you ain’t never felt
Soon as I’m knelt
I’ma pelt you below the belt
Like Bang!
Bust em’ in the wang
Like it ain’t no thang
Now you really can’t hang

But you ain’t gotta be a dude
Shit, I’ll dick-punch a chick
Because I don’t discriminate
When I punch em’ in the dick
Whether Suzie Homemaker or a floozy home-wrecker
I’ma deck’er in the pecker, mother-fecker

It could be your mama
Better be no drama
You could be the Dalai llama
I’ma still put it on ya
With a right, left, right, left
Yo dick punched
Then you say Goddam, my shit’s crunched
Scrotum? I damn near killed ‘em
I capped him in (?) the boner, man
Forget about children
You ain’t got enough kung-fu to bust some ninja shit
Fuck Sun-Tzu, you want to learn the Art of Won

Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch ‘em in the dick

Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
Punch ‘em in the dick

A brand new dance
Called punch his ass right in the dick

A brand new dance
Called punch his ass right in the dick

Any of you snotty kids be talkin’ shit
I’ma drop a fist on your naughty bits
I got punches a’plentiful
You bet your rear-end it’ll sting
When I start swingin’ on your genitals
Because then it’ll swell up all out of proportion
Lookin’ like an eggplant forced into your foreskin
Nevermind abortion
Forget vasectomy
I got your birth-control… B’low!
Nut-check, homey

I punched God in the dick
I punched Mary in the dick
I punched Jesus Christ in the dick
Yo, I punched Cheney in the dick
I punched Powell in his colon
I punched George in his Bush
I punched Condoleezza Rice in the diiiiiick

Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
What, I’ma punch ‘em in the dick

Punch ‘em in the dick
Punch ‘em in the dick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch ‘em in the dick

Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Punch ‘em in the diiiiick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Yo, punch ‘em in the dick

Gonna punch ‘em in the dick
Watch me punch ‘em in the dick
Love to punch ‘em in the dick
Born to punch ‘em in the dick
Forever punch ‘em in the dick
Sucker punch ‘em in the dick
Fruit punch ‘em in the dick
Hawaiian punch ‘em in the motherfuckin’ diiiick

hot pink pie

well happy birthday to you!
look at this spread
i chose another path and went to Spencer Sweeney’s closing party to see his TV BABY rock opera
it was awesome!
remind me that my camera has a video function again
then Endless Boogie played and i wouldnt call it a crunchy groove but it there was hippie dancing. im almost sure i saw erin krause hippie dancing
kembra took me to AVATAR and i went because Tim Barber said “it changes visual cuture, it changes art forever!!!!” but i dont know if i agree
fucking hippie dancing everywhere
space age nacharito from Snack Dragon
what do i find so satisfying about going to Tompkins Square Park alone on my days off and taking photos of bulldogs?
it’s some kind of cathartic patrick thing but i can’t quite put my finger on it…
i was trying to conjure patrick to call last night and made his weird “everything and the kitchen sink” curry. look how many dissonant vegetables i have in this thing OMG it wasnt as gross as this looks
the curry drew Rosson and Abby there to play trivial pursuit
picture rosson cramming the brown piece into her hot pink pie the wrong way and getting it stuck in there
our default answer to every brown question was “bill cosby” but then he actually WAS the answer to a pink one!
🙂 not the craziest night ive ever spent but lots of jokes about pink and brown
saw this weird thing today

a book on typography
what would be a good font for STREET MARKET TWO?


i made a new joke but now i cant remember it.

i have literally 7 pens in my purse at all times you would think it would dawn on me to write shit like that down


i was typing a pro forma invoice yesterday and accidentally wrote PERFORMA INVOICE at the top of it
i did! art joke art joke


the lamest of art jokes. i went to eddie martinez’ opening at zieher smith

they now have one of the top art spaces in chelsea

this wes lang paintings was in the office area

i liked it!

the next opening i had to go all the way uptown last night

remember when i used to have meeting here?
i do

whee now we are at Todd James’ opening

look who’s pooting 2

whoah i havent seen Alika since 2004. whoah
that is amy from LOYAL on left and laura from Dearraindrop on right

todd signing a line of kids with books
good show!
odd execution maybe
but im not sure what i mean by that

i want that book on the right. i wonder if patrick has ever seen it
maybe i can get him a third and even more pathetically redundant christmas gift

look how excited rosson is about this 1945 wallpaper
we went to GINOS a few blocks away a very old italian restaurant

look! still excited this time about linguine

then this place around the corner
both destinations were off of Suzanne’s secret list of old new york
2 for 2!

i got a call from Christophe while we were up there inviting us to a party and i though, heck why not!

this picture she had on the wall i couldn’t resist taking a photo of. oh its so cute


we went to this photographer’s party to celebrate his 1 year anniversary of surviving the hudson river plane crash remember???
he told us his story in graphic detail it was so dramatic
amanda lepore was there and looked so awesome i thought my camera would explode if i took her picture
rosson is frowning because christophe told her she was loud and “should work on that”
oh shit! christophe always speaks her mind i can tell you that

Ha Ha, Hortense

what is that adage about breaking eggs?
is there an adage for slurping out eggs with a turkey baster and filling them with enamel paint?
i was sick the past two days. these are phots from the night when i got sick but was still determined to have fun.
this is the soup i thought would save me from impending sick
the egg fest was inspired by this guy who told me how to do it
the egg fest was mostly inspired by this guy of course, who always reminds me to be naughty whenever i have the chance
i gave rosson some spike holster thingies to take the country off her boots
terence turned rasta to celebrate nicky’s long awaited return from Jamaica
we threw eggs
it was so fun we decided to make more
i am so into it. wow if only i could be that into everything i do
rosson got gilbert to hold still better than i could
eggy pudding
figgy pudding
this batch i taped up their dripping buttholes but it kind of threw off the engineering of the splatting. not recommended
oh and the dress up party of course
terence is loaded
because he is a serious artist
he cut up some leather gucci pants so rosson could get her bubble butt into them
he is awfully close to that girl butt
i wonder what he is thinking
the results were blurry
ooh and then
its nicky!
she had a blast in jamaica
waiting for some of her photos for a guest blog!
they were so awesome
more flinging
this is what laying in bed for two days after looked like
not that bad right?
it was actually gruesome
Hortense needs to reel it in a little if she wants to stay healthy the rest of this stressful winter

the cashmere of wheats

this is a rosson guest blog
including the title which apparently i texted her last night while reading my Triscuits box

i dont know where i left my effing camera
if you see it let me know

see? other people take photos of their beautiful sushi

today was like underpants on the subway day did anyone else see this?

rosson has a new haircut

we rode around all of downtown looking for an interesting subway station for rosson to paint

we ate at Schillers which made rosson want to do ANOTHER restaurant painting

the deli cooks bacon all night by my house
there are smells

i gave rosson some of my clothes that i dont wear

socks: model’s own

so in other news, there is other news i cant discuss yet
but i wanted to communicate my anxiety and feelings in some way
how about a Commodore 64 screen grab visual essay?

i dont know how this fits actually

hmm i dont know how elucidating that was
let me try illustrating it with a cuteoverload photo:

anxiety cat with thermometer up its butt
if this isnt workin for you just try googling things related to me and you can read the full goss on gawker

moca frappuccino

its on!
jeffrey gets to run the MOCA

oh nooooooo!
or, conversely, oh yesssssss!
its both

this is my LA face

this is me at leo koenig group show

j fue
this painting was cooler far away than up close
is that a diss? some paintings are bad far away and good up close

this joe bradley is odd from any direction

jimminy cricket!

we had a funny dinner with erik parker at don giovannis

at this point i put my camera in my jacket and forgot it was there for two days

wolfgang tillmans’; grapefruit balls

sorry i couldnt think of a title and that was the most salient feature of this set of photos

just one more photo of JR because she looks so weird here
yesterday i went to Tomas’ opening at ENVOY
with damiana and then rosson and sort of punk rock jake
oo closeup!
“all shot within 15 minutes of exiting the shower”
then rosson and i went to Allen and Delancey because she was so dressed up we couldnt just go HOME you know
i ate a skate and then felt REALLY guilty about it
we discussed themes for rosson’s march show at her studio
this was my favourite theme
ooo sneak peak
then we went to a beergarten full of cute brooklyn boys (oxymoron) and cripplingly embarrassing swing music that rosson loved (of course)
rosson left me for a secret rendez-vous and i was home in PJs when aurel called to say come fishin
it was really fun
oh shit spencer remembered to email me this and i am so happy!
i love when people remember things the next morning!!!
guess which one aurel made
this was my favourite piece
the best part of the evening was that Jack Walls came!
i havent seen him since before you know what and it was so nice to talk with him about our love for dash. it made me so sad though and i made it home by 4 only to cry cry cry
hikari yokoyama took this photo i have it on my fridge
i look like a troll and he looks so beautiful
that’s how it goes
this three-tiered new chris johanson book cheered me up
as did going paint-shopping with terence
if anyone says terence is not a real artist, i will show them this photo of him picking out oil paint like a real artist
the haring show is up
hop on over and say hi to me sometime!