Barkus is willing

February 18th, 2010

i feel bad saying inflammatory or insinuating or upsetting things on this thing and then people in real life getting into fights
if someone wrote that they didnt like my art or gossiped about my love life or even posted a photo of me doing something i wouldnt want people to see i would die of humiliation
i am not so tough
i am soft and pink
i have recently been taking frequent acid baths of shame and humiliation because i have been acting out poorly because of stress
so i know a lot about these feelings
nighlife is a serious thing in new york and kind of hard to manage if you are an out of control freak like me. its just an oxymoron; party be free cut loose but not too much
following a friend of a friend i ended up at some birthday party in midtown with a mechanical bull
this is an example of falling off the nightlife track in a bad way
this night i was at some boring party really late and unbeknownst to me all my friends i really wanted to see were either one block away at Bacaro or one block away on canal street setting off fireworks and running from the cops
and here i am taking photos of disco balls
i like photos of discoballs and secretly will continue to take them, btw
BARF
i hate the universe that is kate’s joint’s soy milk
i like spending “chinese new year” with pat and his new aNYthing shirt with suede underbottomings
i like sharing a hangover and making things less embarrassing
i like watching people grossly make out in the tino sehgal show and walking arm in arm with pat
i do not like pat’s snack attacks however
shame is not cold it is burning hot, why humans imagine hell to be flames
burning purifying flames of shame
is how i feel constantly
rosson is not ashamed to go with me to Scrapyard, buy a bunch of graffiti implements and test them on her wall
i was mortified
“do you have that krink in some HOT PINK please?”
spent my day off evening at jules’ painting studio
whats up with me why am i afraid of everything and everyone right now?
i dont know if i have the gumption to get back on my bike

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